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WHAT WE HAVE SO FAR:::
I just bought another truck off of craigslist. It is gonna piss my wife off so much. Oh well, I’ll take her shopping, hoping she doesn’t look in the garage and see my new rims and see that I sold her washer and dryer to my ex, who now lives nextdoor, she loves my truck. I’m gonna dump it at my buddy’s shop for bags and a body drop, but not before Hill’s Hot Rods of Texas robs a 7-11 in it.
Now the cops have my friend Jason bent over the hood of the cop car searching for the stolen Snickers. The cop was Jason’s cousin Albert, whom he had just beat the snot out of. So Albert was lookin’ for cash to pay for the surgery on his nose since Jason had broken it in three places with a crow bar, which had “slipped” while trying to open a door of a 2001 Ford Pinto Wagon to retrieve a case of stolen TWINKIES that had gone bad. The twinkies were the least appealing thing in the world. But hey, they were FREE!
Speaking of free, I stole an albino spider monkey while I was on vacation with Paris Hilton’s mom in the African nation of ZIM BOB SHOCKWAVE, during the annual running of the caribou. Albino spider monkies are very cute and furry, but also are very moody, known for flinging poo at ugly trucks, especially trucks that have no winshield wipers for monkies poo. this story has gone sideways.
Anyway, I was working on a plan to fix up this old datsun that I just bought off of craigslist. I decided to cut off the stock frame at the fire wall so I can make it really low, but I didn't have a plasma so I used the Steak knife I got from bed bath any beyond for carvin mom's thanksgiving turkey. Using a steak knife for... turkeys, good,.. frames, bad, but it was all I had so away I cut, until I slipped and cut the cab off, so now its unbelieveable, i know but I'm body dropping it anyway so who cares about bad fabrication. I just duck taped the crap out of the frame to try and put it on the ground, where it would be safe from the local gang members, who often steel truck parts and twinkies and put them on craigslist where Hill’s Hot-Rods of Texas… bro that was six words…
Sorry, numbers confuse me, anyway while searching craigslist for parts I found a sweet lookn finger painting of spider monkeys in this awesome twin turbo chop top astro van with a chain link steering wheel and it came with free gas so i drove to mexico, and watched a donkie mate with a chicken, then reupholstered the astro for 50 pesos, its gold crushed velvet and feels so smooth against my huge, big, fat, sweaty, english bulldog's skin. He liked the shag too, but it gave him a wickid rash So I traded him for THIS HOT GIRL THAT I just met at a show. Her truck had broken down so I offered her a ride home. But, I had crushed velvet which made her get in the mood for so lovin'. But what I really loved and wanted was some chili fries, mmmmm chili cheese fries, smothered with fresh diced onions, this is going to remind me of my good times with bulldog, Ben who ran beside my BMX as we clowned on skaters before eating chili cheese fries. I need Ben back, so I need to find the nearest fire hydrant or a time machine and a cigarette to be able to get back to when i was Young and stupid, just like I still am now, only now i have only one leg, because my other leg was lost in time but it is ok because now I get so much Compliments on my really cool flat black, turbo charged lawnmower with spoke wheels and curb feelers, and it gets me tons of chicks because the lic. plate says PUSY WGN. By the way it's the fastest mower around. I cut old mrs whither's hair with it too, and In return she gave me the nicname floyd the barber which in france stands for still want my dog back. I put up posters saying “need chick or dog now” and the first reply was from a girl dog and midget with fleas and she said to me dont fear the body drop and then she offered me my old dog Ben back!
so ben's back and I'm happy cause now I can return to body dropping my mobile home on 28"s and and cruisin for chicks with my mobile home crew called rcbg which stands for Really Cool Big Guys.
Then after that I think I will start on the lawn art that i've been thinking up for the past generations of the elite family. This art will be a collection of all my creations using only grass and invisible all around lubricant, which I use to slide the grass into the ...what are we talking about?...
uummmm...anyway my truck is going to be the sickest truck ever, cause I am not holding back this time. I am going to begin with the first ever truck to have a real C-notch on the front but upside down for the tandem control arm for the rocket propelled twin turbo supercharger setup for people that dont have enough *** to just drive a jet powered razor scooter or a tricked out Toyota Prius donked out on 28's with the meanest, gnarliest, loudest exhaust, but is not as big in diameter *** as the entire new line of 50" sterring wheels, but it is made of billet unobtainium that react adversly to heat and cold thus causing the billet to sweat & freeze simultaniously and cause your hands to become stuck to the wheel like glue, but you can easily steer with your new, improved lean, mean, automatic voice activated spider monkey from page 3 and if that doesnt work spider monkeys do order pizza with your choice of side dish and drink, so with delivery in 30 minutes you won't have to miss the Snap On truck which would result in going to another SOAA meeting and having to trade truck parts for more interesting versions of legit excuses why not to buy tools from overpriced tool vendors on wheels like snap on... Snap On truck...where??? Down by the river, but not in a van.
speaking of rivers, i found four 24" tires floating by with a huge piece of chocolate cake, which was odd because fish tend to like yellow cake with lots of yummy old tire bits on top, but this time tire bits were substituted with little bits of toxic of Mike's new truck interior Which made the fish vomit up something that looked like little plaid seat covers but it smelled more like peanut butter and jelly with lesbian midgets dancing like furious little crazy old people with one little old pimp yelling "Get over here, you gave the dog Viagra now make him stop attacking the pizza delivery guy” *** *** who is hiding in his super ghetto and totally hacked donk wanna be Yugo with a slight problem in the engine compartment, as it sometimes makes a wierd ticking noise, almost as if something has pissed off the squirrel that lives inside of the engine compartment as replacement for the motor and all the wiring and electrical systems that control the great big, hugesupercharger, causing the squirrel tolay down inside of the ghetto donk 30" rims that get all the chicks because they spinnin *** they spinnin but they are not as gangsta as my brand new purple velvet pimp hat that I got from the local PIMPS-B-US down off of P Street, near the cain and top hat store where Snoop and Slash shop for top of the line outlaw intake pipes...or hookahs for people that dont respect my autority, ill hit the punk wit my cain and summons my stic Snoop powers to overcome the mighty chronic aaarrrrrghhhhh. Me thinks this thread got snagged some time after the spider monkey who smacked all that dared to enter my garage to see that I have 12 spider monkeys building my dog a brand new house, when the dog decides to eat a monkey then the other monkies retaliate by slashing the tires on the truck I bought off Craigslist which reminds me of my compressor bought of craigslist that’s made out of recycled cores from GM’s old parts off their corporate jets that made congress think twice about buying it on Ebay. Speaking of bidding on ebay santa, hit by economic times decided that for 2009 a hybrid truck might be the replacement for his current useless supervisor named Dave that thinks he is the world’s greatest answer for everything because he has a very good relationship with his spider monkey and also likes to hangout with President Obama, that spider monkey gets around, yeah he sure does! Actually Barack appointed him to the tight circle of advisors called The Pimps-N-Hoes Commission which is actually a new tax revenue front for prostituting spider monkeys. I highly doubt many pimps are willing to give into the clearly false notion that pimp slapped spider monkeys will somehow be beneficial to the economy, or pizza delivery, speaking of pizza delivery It’s married people pizza night which means that on Friday night married people have the special opportunity to enjoy pizza and drinks and then go to the couch, of course, to see if they can watch a movie together without the wife falling asleep and doing her crazy sleep walk that includes a trip to the garage, where she likes to rearrange my tools and list my truck on Craigslist, which I really hate because some pimped out spider monkey just installed a brand new 24 carat gold plated set of 24s, ironically, which he bought off Craigslist from some dude named, ummmm, we’ll call him “Fred” who has connections with the big wigs over at CASH-4-GOLD...here's MONEY which explains why its HAMMER TIME…..uhh ohh… sorry, sometimes I sing when gold plated 24s be spinnin on tha ‘lac and I be riding’ dirty straight outta Compton, but never mind that crazy monkey, did you see our favorite spider monkey driving that pinto with a big turbo, clearly fast AND furious complete with underbody neon and a brush guard for when spider monkey runs into the woods chasing after his arch enemy, the cunning sasquatch to get back his NOS bottle, which sasquatch uses when Jack Links messes with him to use as a inhaler, causing him to sound like a tweaked out piece of beef jerkey that naver seems to taste like beef, but taste like chicken with a hint of smoked flavor, probably caused by the fact that he mixed a cocktail and lit the fuse. The whole situation is F.U.B.A.R., a timeless expression that I learned here at work that first time I tried to upload a group of pics my boss’s wife had taken while attending this years Player’s Ball, pimps up w3rd style, green is for the money spend it all at the players ball w3rd F.U.B.A.R.! The timeless expression meaning the spider monkey has been drinking from the toilet again. Ah, the porcelain fountain my favorite place to read Sport Truck, while I take stock of my life as the pimp, I see my face in the mirror and think “hmmm, I need to pop my collar and go work these hoes so they know that I am the Shogun of Harlem.” Did XZibit pimp that ride? Anyway it is about time them pimp slapped hoes be havin my money cause I’m more broke than a car company with CEO problems that does not understand that pimps need purple velvet interiors because that’s the only way a playa rides in Detroit, speaking of Detroit, one time at band camp I saw this crazy pimped out pimp, pimp slappin' body draggin frame layin tire slayin' nitrous sprayin' top droppin, colla poppin cristal flowin', cash money blowin' color flippin, paint still drippin gold 30's shinin', suckas whinin' '79 pinto wagon on Daytons shag carpet and velvet seats bumpin' gangsta rhymes and beats cold chillin' rollin' Chitown streets starvin' for phat tasty eats and cool DQ treats I be jones'n tha sweets when I tweed my seats nuthin’ but wins – no defeats even without a beat I………anyways, one time long ago I was attempting to change things up a bit by listening to afro man while working, cause I got high I was gonna clean my room until I got high so instead I just went to the Compton swapmeet donks, boxes, bubbles, word. Dre goes through my music that's pimp'n...pimpity pimp pimp'n my story has gotten weird because sometimes I forget that freaks like me post here, but about my new truck I really went overboard and sanded the tires like Calin, but this time I also engraved flames into the new windshield. Now I know this sounds crazy , but I thought the poo flingin’ spider monkey could maybe help me with balancing my checking account, because I’m not good at remembering……. What’re we talking about?? Cause A.D.D. makes me trip out sometimes, and often I think I’m Tony Soprano which is a problem because I get all gangster and probably pop a cap in anybody who even thinks about layin’ a finger on my refrigerator, which contains mostly beer and half eaten pizza and ketchup for French fries, because you never know when you hit the McDonalds if you’re in the mood for foofy iced coffee drinks, or (Did I just say “foofy”?? I guess I did…anyways..) I can’t remember what we paid for that Craigslist truck, but I’m sure it was cheaper than my billet aluminum door. This sounds weird, but I think I shat myself which is actually ironic because the billet door is for looking cool, but sometimes I want pizza and beer and twinkies, which is bad because fat is the devil, so twinkies are the devil, but pizza is the perfect food and can be used for shetto wheel spinners with pepperoni which comes in handy when pimps be on a budget, speaking of budget, I heard all pimps-n-hoes decided that in todays economy 2-for-1 Tuesday specials are very important. In fact you’ll get an absolutely free extra large side order of fried stuff...with cheese...plus an extra helping of sizzling fat. Fat is the devil. Ain’t that the truth! Just saw the devil trying to snatch my rare and precious cash, I print it myself, it was top secret, but now ya’ll know. I’ve been to jail already, so now you know I’m hard, but pimpn’ ain’t easy, so I have retired, and now am helpin’ the hoes with their lives, trying to get them off the pipe and on to greater things, such as tha Playa Ghetto Olympics...yyieeyyiieeee which is televised on channel "DAMN RIGHT" - B.E.T. Network affiliates number one station foshizzle...DAMN RIGHT my nizzle bustin out some rap again DAMN RIZZLE...down wit tha whole darn thing. I heard that the spider monkey just escaped from his cage and stole a banana truck! Now what is a banana truck? A truck that hauls bananas?? Of course! I was thinking Juan the Spider Monkey knew about banana trucks, but they called him SPIIDERRRR...odelay but he preferred it when banana splits were made with onion rings. Yes, this sounds delicious!!! The secret ingredient is lard. Yes, the lard makes Juan poop, which he flings but we are teaching him to aim and throw harder. He’s learning to aim at………………
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